Okay so since I'm working on my Teenage Hillbilly Hell query letter, I thought I'd share my rough draft for some crit. :D So if something doesn't make since, let me know, as this is a work in progress while I'm working on this story.
Thanks for the query crits :D
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Just when former fat girl turned guy magnet, Avery Mitchell, makes it to the status of queen bee at West High Prep, her wealthy father drops a bomb—he’s filing bankruptcy and moving his family to where he grew up. Redneckville.
Living with her rough-around-the-edges Granny is not exactly Avery’s idea of a good time, but when her dad gets caught stealing money at his job to support her high-fluting mom’s spending habits, they lose everything. As she struggles to live within her no-manicures-allowed lifestyle, and adjust without her overbearing mother—who ran away with her plastic surgeon as soon as the first credit card decline popped up—she can’t break her old habits of using her looks and body to get what she wants. However, she quickly learns that sexual seduction may not win over every boy in town, such as Holden, the most romantic guy she’s ever met.
When Avery throws herself at Holden at the Sucker-Hole—a common teen hang out spot—she finds out, shockingly, some guys are interested in more than just sex. She discovers Holden is a reformed man-whore who has turned over a new leaf, because of a promise to his dead father, and is no longer into causal flings. She agrees to date the celibate Holden and attempt to put her slutty ways behind her. After all, she’s out of this shit-hole town on the day she turns eighteen and doesn’t need anything or anyone tying her down. Unfortunately, plans change when she develops feelings for the reformed womanizer. Suddenly Avery realizes sex may not be the most important thing in a relationship and that this teenage hillbilly hell is actually growing on her.
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4 comments:
Hi Annie. I'm not sure if I'd post a query letter on you blog, as everyone is so nice to people on blogs that I don't know if you'd get really honest and thorough responses. If you're ready for a really close look at it, then go for query letter hell in the SYW thread at AW.
That said, a few things I noticed are that you tend to repeat things. For instance, in the first paragraph, you've already established that dad is bankrupt and you've prepared us for what's going to come next once she gets to Redneckville. But, then in the second paragraph you take us back to what happened before the story begins and how her dad became broke. So, I'd recommend taking that part out and immediately launch into her problems that she encounters when she gets there. Also it's a little confusing when you say that she puts her slutty ways behind her and then two sentences over you say that her plans change when she develops feelings for Holden because you had kind of already established that she was going to change for him.
Overall, I think your story sounds interesting. Good luck with it!
This sounds like a fun story if the voice in the query reflects the voice in the novel.
A few nits:
It's highfalutin, not high-fluting.
Also, if Avery is a "former fat girl turned guy magnet", then how exactly is "using her looks and body to get what she wants" an "old habit"? Seems a bit too recent a change to call it old. Just my 2 cents.
I agree with Angie that you don't need to repeat in the body what was said in the hook about the bankruptcy, etc. Just get to the meat of the story.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm not sure if I'm going to like the pov character. Formerly fat is not enough to warm me to her. I get it, she probably changes over time, but maybe there's some way to make her more appealing in the query letter, too?
I also feel like you could cut it down without losing too much information.
Good luck querying!
Ah, I see that you did post on QLH - never mind. :) Good luck!
Thanks guys! I'm still writing the story, so I wanted to throw this up there to see what changes I need to make in a story early on because I'm sort of in a writing slump. Thank you so much for the feedback, it'll help me fix the plot holes in my story and know what parts I need to take out and then expand on in the query. :)
*Hugs* Annie
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